ZOMG TEH HAWTNESS!
by ChristmasInHollywood
Summary: Something's up with Hermione, and it doesn't take Harry and Ron too long to figure out what. Can they stop the evil that is... HO!MioneSue?


It's been done before, and it'll be done again, but here's an OTT one-shot parody, about a girl we all know and hate… in all her slutty, Hot Topic-wearing glory, it's Ho!Mione-Sue! ZOMG teh hawtness!

Nothing is mine.

Timeline doesn't matter, but I'd say it's approximately book 3.

Exaggeration is completely intentional.

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Hermione sat alone in her bedroom, flicking through _Advanced Transfiguration_. She was so absorbed in her reading that she didn't notice a figure silently open her door and sneak up behind her. Before she knew it, she was struck from behind, with what looked like a heavy leather boot.

-

Harry and Ron sat in their usual carriage aboard the Hogwarts Express. Harry was tapping a rhythm onhis knee with his wand, and Ron was picking his nails.

"Didn't Hermione say she was going to meet us here." Ron looked up.

"Er… I dunno. Yeah. Probably." At that moment, the door of the carriage burst open.

"ZOMG liek hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111" Harry and Ron gaped.

"Hermione… is that you?" She was dressed from head-to-toe in clothes from an American shop that Harry couldn't quite remember the name of (Hot something… something Topic? He wasn't quite sure).

"Liek cal me Maya coz Hermione is sooo OMGfrumpy and Maya is HAWT!!!!!111" Ron blinked.

"O… K…" Hermio-Maya threw herself down on the seat next to Harry, tossing her straightened hair behind her and fluttering her eyelashes.

"Hi Harry… wanna maek out??" Harry moved away.

"Um… no thanks." This did not seem to affect Her-Maya at all, and she pushed eight large, horrendously pink suitcases under the seat. How she managed this, we will never know. The awkward silence that ensued was broken, when the carriage door was flung open once more to reveal Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle.

"Well, well, well, look who it is," smirked Malfoy. "Potter, Weasley, and er…" He had just caught sight of Hermione, who was smiling flirtily at him.

"DRACEY!" He stammered and moved backwards, stumbling slightly. Her-Maya stood up and walked slowly towards him, swaying her hips.

"U wana go sumwer private huh Dracy? Or we culd do it rite here…" Malfoy gulped.

"Do… what exactly?"

"Do… _it_."

"What?"

"_It_."

"What's 'it'?" She batted her eyelashes.

"U no… u cud put ur thingy in my thingy." Malfoy pushed her away.

"What are you on about you crazy mudblood? I'll be telling my father about this! It's just… wrong!" He ran out of the carriage, immediately followed by Crabbe and Goyle.

"Waiiiiiit Dracey-poo! I'M ADOPTED!!!11111" Hermi-Maya collapsed on the floor, wailing in a not-unattractive way. Harry and Ron took advantage of the situation and edged out of the carriage.

Once out of Her-Maya's hearing range, Harry and Ron beganto discuss the situation.

"Well she's definitely not Hermione", said Ron, checking the door to make sure Hermio-Maya didn't approach it. "We have to stop her before she does soething like this again." Harry nodded.

"You're absolutely right – we have to find out who replaced Hermione, and where the real Hermione is." They nodded to each other, and pushed the door open again.

Maya was sitting on a chair, eating a pepper jack cheese sandwich. Harry and Ron edged towards her.

"Er… Maya?" Harry began, trying not to sound as if he was up to something.

"Yea?" Maya looked up from her sandwich. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, Ron took out his wand and pointed it in Maya's face.

"Where's the real Hermione? What have you done with her." Maya gaped.

"ZOMG liek wot r u sayin? Its not liek I kidnapd Herminoe n put her in da suitcase wit al my HAWT clothez n came here to maek out wit Harry, Dracey-poo and Professor Snape!" Ron gaped. Harry gaped. Maya clapped a hand over her mouth.

"S… Snape? That's… horrible." Harry stepped forwards, his wand also in front of him.

"Let Hermione go!" Maya pouted and bent over (showing a lacy G-string) to pull out the largest of her suitcases. Ron ran forward and opened it, extracting Hermione with some difficulty as the suitcase was also stuffed full of wannabe-goth clothes. Apologising, he ripped the duct tape off her mouth and she winced.

"Ron! You… saved me!" Maya grimaced.

"Liek OMG hes not even hawt at all." Harry frowned.

"And… Snape is?" Maya scowled at him.

"Well", said Hermione, "I suppose there's only one thing left to do." She seized Maya by the corset and flung her through the open carriage window, her screams echoed for a while, but were lost when the train turned a corner.

The evil was finally defeated.

TEH END!

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My annoying computer kept correcting my spelling mistakes! Tell me what you thought, please, or I'll cry. Thanks a bunch and I love you all!


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